Happy New Year!

There is every chance that an extended time with your partner over the Christmas and New Year period will lead to an increase in the severity of your ROCD. I for one always used to dread holidays, summer holidays were even worse. With the break of going to work every day I could just about hold it together, assembling a decent facsimile of  a normal relationship (well at least on the surface). But alas, spending time at the week-ends or on the holidays and my ROCD would flair up big time. The same old thoughts bursting through my brain, the same conclusions, the same behaviours, the same emotional torment about whether to stay or go. I remember a time I decided to go, coming back from a holiday in the sun. 

I remember it like it was yesterday even though it was years ago. I had had a terrible holiday on a Greek Island with my girlfriend. My partner was quite a difficult person but I was feeling terrible and trapped the whole time. What made matters worse was the fact that there didn't seem to be much sun so the days were spent fruitlessly looking for good weather and sitting inside whilst it rained, drinking. A terrible recipe for ROCD if ever there was one as I was also very tired as I was in a little holiday flat and wasn't sleeping very well at all. We argued from start to finish and I hated almost every minute of it feeling absolute wretched. I didn't know what I was doing there, I had tried but this person was impossible to get along with and more than that was I didn't even fancy her. I was not aware at the time that I had ROCD, I just knew that I was very inconsistent always flipping back and forth between fancying my girlfriend and then not and not wanting to be with her and then back again to the point of exhaustion.

So it continued to rain and we continued to argue, I drank a bit more, got depressed and eventually, somehow we managed to get to the end of the holiday. I started perking up on the last day as I was glad to be going home and was expecting that I was probably going to feel better once I had got home and got back to my busy life working all the time so I didn't have to face my relationship and feel the hideousness of OCD. I still felt dreadful about our relationship on the plane and then it suddenly hit me. I wasn't helpless, I didn't just have to put up with the crap, I could just finish the relationship and be done with. I didn't owe her anything, we had only been together a couple of years, I was still in my early 30s plenty of time for me and her to find someone more suitable. As the engine roared and I fell back into my seat, I felt a warm feeling as I realised I could be free of this torment. An hour later I was convinced, I was going to finish the relationship once and for all. It took so much pressure off me, so much so that I felt better. And then the truly hideous nature of OCD kicked in. I had decided for sure, I felt absolutely 100% positive that it was the right decision to end the relationship but what was this.......I turned to look at my girlfriend that I had just spent one of the worst weeks of my life with and like some kind of weird spell felt something akin to love and longing wash over me. I felt happy with her and warm towards her and was glad to be with her.....Mind blown. 

It was indeed that event that kick started my search for what was wrong with me almost 17 years ago and I did eventually come across a few articles on OCD and it sounded a bit like what I had. Of course no one in those days made any reference to ROCD or the other many forms it can take. It was the phrase 'the doubters disease' that got me thinking. Taking the pressure off that situation by realising that I wasnt in fact powerless was so dramatic that it swung me back into reality and the version of reality that most people reside in and not the OCD version that I spent so much time in. Clearly I did like her but the (R)OCD would keep on getting in the way and forcing me away from her. It's a really horrible situation and if you are going through anything that sounds like that over the holidays then you really have my utmost sympathy. You can feel good though in the relationship with the exact same person, you just have to start with Step 1 and accept that you have ROCD. Happy new year!