Step 7: Exposure
This is definitely a step in its own right. In fact, I would go as far to say that 'Imaginal Scripts' changed my life. I remember the week so clearly, I had layer upon layer of different stresses heaped up on me and was totally losing it. And by losing it, I mean, that the intrusive thoughts were coming thick and fast and I was very close to being totally overwhelmed. It's a hideous feeling when you can't control the thoughts coming into your head at that point that it becomes so invasive that it turns into a physical affliction... and that's where I was at.
I remember I was meeting my girlfriend's family for the first time and I was in pretty bad shape as it was.... and then I came across an article about 'Imaginal Scripts'. They sounded quite preposterous and like nearly every step along my journey, what I initially thought sounded bonkers and nothing to do with me, they have all turned out brilliantly and helped me to come to accept what is going on in my head. I refer back to step 1, acceptance. Soo important, I know quite a few people who I would say were suffering from OCD or OCD like thoughts and they would not be able to accept that kind of diagnosis in a million years. And unfortunately for them, until they are able to, they will be forever scratching their head as no amount of looking into your family background or choosing to ignore it will make a jot of difference. Anyway, I remember the day clearly and I remember writing out my first script. It was crazy and I felt ashamed but also slightly bemused about how many hideous thoughts that I had just committed to paper, if my girlfriend found this, then it would have not made for happy reading or indeed a happy relationship!
And that's the point of the scripts. You write it all out, all the worst things that you can think of, the ones that come into your mind and make you feel ill and totally distressed. Yes, you know, those ones, the ones that bring you so much shame, guilt or fear. And you write them down but then you amplify them even further. You add more disgust, more colour, more feeling, as many gory details as possible and you stare back at the page looking at one page of A4 of absolute filthy horrible thoughts. Remember, thoughts don't mean anything, they are meaningless and so don't get caught up in them (yes, I know that's hard) but you aren't generating them, some other annoying part of the brain is, you are 'what you want'. And then you start reading the script through and if you have written it correctly you will be triggered and feel terrible. But it's ok, this is all part of it. The timer is on and it has taken you a few minutes to read through it all and your stress levels are off the scale. And then you pause for breath and start reading again. In my case I think the very first time I read through my script about 15 times, over and over. And then the miracle starts to happen. You start habituating to those thoughts. I cannot emphasise how important this is. Your brain starts reacting less to those hideous thoughts that plague you so. It doesn't matter how bad they are (and I explain above the worse, the better for the treatment to work), your brain will always start seeing them for what they are with repetition. That is your brain will start relaxing and get used to them over time and your stress levels will start coming down. I started on a 10 and eventually got down to a 3. I felt markedly more relaxed but had that slight feeling that something is wrong (and that's a feeling that I often have when I have OCD and just get used to living with). Ok so far so good, its 11 in the morning and I feel a lot better. of course, it’s not quite that simple as the thoughts will come back later. this is the brain going 'you know those horrible thoughts you were having and I was a bit worried that something might be very off, well I'm just checking to see if there's anything that I missed and I need to do something or get some action going'. The brain starts up again. This is the equivalent of touching a physical injury to see if you are healing or whether you need more intervention, it’s a way of checking in on yourself. And of course, it’s likely that you will start getting involved with those thoughts again, attaching to them, thinking they are important and starting to get distressed again. But it really is OK because you're going to do your script all over again. And that's what I did. Out came the script and I started repeated the process, which was taking like about 40 minutes and sure enough my stress levels came down and I started getting in with my day. After a few days of doing this, my confidence started going up as I realised that I had some power here. I could just do my script and then would eventually start feeling better. I was basically learning to not give the thoughts any power by exposing myself to them and learning to sit with the uncomfortable feelings until eventually they went away. After about 4 or 5 days of doing this, I was blown away. I went from distress on a scale of 10 to 2 over 5 days. It wasn't long before I was looking at the script and seeing what I had written as quite funny really, my imagination had really got away from me and was scaring me to death.
I clearly remember my journal entry, "breakthrough' was in massive capitals across the page. I really had made a big breakthrough that allowed me to meet my girlfriends' family, have a nice time and start getting some control over my thoughts and in my life. it is recommended that you do these exposures with a therapist who understands ERP (exposure response prevention) but I did them by myself and they were amazing. They actually worked!
Of course, OCD and ROCD being what it is, it is always possible that new thoughts start plaguing you and so you may have to adapt your scripts and keep adding the new details but it's quite easy once you get used to it and remember, keep your script where no one is ever going to find them and when you are done you can happily let them go. Good luck
And that's the point of the scripts. You write it all out, all the worst things that you can think of, the ones that come into your mind and make you feel ill and totally distressed. Yes, you know, those ones, the ones that bring you so much shame, guilt or fear. And you write them down but then you amplify them even further. You add more disgust, more colour, more feeling, as many gory details as possible and you stare back at the page looking at one page of A4 of absolute filthy horrible thoughts. Remember, thoughts don't mean anything, they are meaningless and so don't get caught up in them (yes, I know that's hard) but you aren't generating them, some other annoying part of the brain is, you are 'what you want'. And then you start reading the script through and if you have written it correctly you will be triggered and feel terrible. But it's ok, this is all part of it. The timer is on and it has taken you a few minutes to read through it all and your stress levels are off the scale. And then you pause for breath and start reading again. In my case I think the very first time I read through my script about 15 times, over and over. And then the miracle starts to happen. You start habituating to those thoughts. I cannot emphasise how important this is. Your brain starts reacting less to those hideous thoughts that plague you so. It doesn't matter how bad they are (and I explain above the worse, the better for the treatment to work), your brain will always start seeing them for what they are with repetition. That is your brain will start relaxing and get used to them over time and your stress levels will start coming down. I started on a 10 and eventually got down to a 3. I felt markedly more relaxed but had that slight feeling that something is wrong (and that's a feeling that I often have when I have OCD and just get used to living with). Ok so far so good, its 11 in the morning and I feel a lot better. of course, it’s not quite that simple as the thoughts will come back later. this is the brain going 'you know those horrible thoughts you were having and I was a bit worried that something might be very off, well I'm just checking to see if there's anything that I missed and I need to do something or get some action going'. The brain starts up again. This is the equivalent of touching a physical injury to see if you are healing or whether you need more intervention, it’s a way of checking in on yourself. And of course, it’s likely that you will start getting involved with those thoughts again, attaching to them, thinking they are important and starting to get distressed again. But it really is OK because you're going to do your script all over again. And that's what I did. Out came the script and I started repeated the process, which was taking like about 40 minutes and sure enough my stress levels came down and I started getting in with my day. After a few days of doing this, my confidence started going up as I realised that I had some power here. I could just do my script and then would eventually start feeling better. I was basically learning to not give the thoughts any power by exposing myself to them and learning to sit with the uncomfortable feelings until eventually they went away. After about 4 or 5 days of doing this, I was blown away. I went from distress on a scale of 10 to 2 over 5 days. It wasn't long before I was looking at the script and seeing what I had written as quite funny really, my imagination had really got away from me and was scaring me to death.
I clearly remember my journal entry, "breakthrough' was in massive capitals across the page. I really had made a big breakthrough that allowed me to meet my girlfriends' family, have a nice time and start getting some control over my thoughts and in my life. it is recommended that you do these exposures with a therapist who understands ERP (exposure response prevention) but I did them by myself and they were amazing. They actually worked!
Of course, OCD and ROCD being what it is, it is always possible that new thoughts start plaguing you and so you may have to adapt your scripts and keep adding the new details but it's quite easy once you get used to it and remember, keep your script where no one is ever going to find them and when you are done you can happily let them go. Good luck
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